The Art of Soberness: How Mayonnaise Can Help You Quit Drinking
On not drinking and dating sober in NYC
When I went on one of my first real world dates when I was 22 I asked her to “grab a drink.” I was a nervous wreck — I had never gone on a real date before. But at least I could drink and numb my nerves a little.
In December 2014 I woke up with a brutal hangover. Like many times before, I made the proclamation “I’m quitting drinking.” This time, I did.
The impact on my health has been considerable. In 2015 I barely got sick. On one instance, I had a cold coming on and suddenly it went away a day later. I had acquired superpowers.
My body started to look great too. Although I was in relatively good shape, my body started changing. I dropped body fat in places I didn’t realize I had it — my body morphed into something a little more selfie and beach friendly.
I had increased energy in all aspects of my life: prioritizing my health, eating better, working out smarter and starting a career coaching business on the side. My weekends were suddenly filled with energy instead of spending half the days hungover.
All of this was great. I would even go out to bars and not be phased one bit by all the drinking and craziness. After all, I’ve always been a fan of dancing — sober or drunk.
My biggest challenge? Explaining to the dating world that I am not a crazy person — just someone that doesn’t want to drink.
I can explain this simply by telling you about mayonnaise. But more on that later…
Moving to NYC in March 2015, everyone told me that the dating scene in New York is “crazy” or some other adjective that clearly positions New York as something dramatically different than anything you have ever experienced.
All those people were right. There are tons of people. Tons of single people. Tons of women. However, this leads to somewhat of a paradox.
People are wary to commit. To anything — whether it be a job, social event or a significant other. This is a positive result of a good thing: the people here in New York are going places. Not only are they trying to make it in the world, I find that most young people I meet really care about building a life filled with happiness and passion. Because of this, dating often feels like you are trying out for The Apprentice (obligatory Trump reference).
People are searching for all-stars to be part of their pursuit.
The format to hash this all out is still the same in New York as it is everywhere else and is the same as when I was 22 going on my first real world date in Cincinnati.
“Lets grab a drink”
Dating sober can be a challenge. I have definitely learned to be more open and easy going while being sober, but I still find myself being a little rigid and “buttoned up” (to quote someone I went on a date with).
My feelings about this concept are best explained by Will Hunting:
Skylar: Maybe we could go out for coffee sometime?
Will: Great, or maybe we could go somewhere and just eat a bunch of caramels.
Skylar: What?
Will: When you think about it, it’s just as arbitrary as drinking coffee.
There are many different reactions to my soberness.
On one date, after lecturing me for 30 minutes about how extreme my position is, I finally helped shift her thinking:
Her: I don’t trust people who do anything to extremes
Me: So do you believe in marriage?
Her: (silence)
The responses also seem to be different depending on how old the person is:
Ages 30+: Respect
“I really admire you for not drinking”
“I totally get that”
“Yeah, I’m not a big drinker either”
Ages 26–29: Mixed — A little taken aback, but also impressed
“Wow that’s amazing, I wish I could do that”
“I don’t drink that much, but I couldn’t give up my wine”
Ages 25 and Under: Outright disgust, confusion and condemnation
“Wait, I don’t understand. And you’re not an alcoholic? Really? Why?”
“Yes, that is an issue”
I understand these responses. I had a ton of fun in my twenties. I loved drinking. If I was having a conversation with my 23 year-old self and I told him I gave up drinking, he would have walked out of the room.
“Grabbing a drink” is a great date. It is simple, time-constrained if needed and often in a fun environment with music. In the age of meeting people online where you know nothing about the other person’s personality, “grabbing a drink” may be more appropriate than ever.
So picture me in a brightly lit coffee shop with my date trying to drum up romantic interest and create an exciting experience. It’s not easy — and I imagine its even harder for someone who has not been practicing the art of soberness for over a year.
A lot of people have said to me, “why not just have one drink?”
It’s a fair question.
The problem is — I’ve completely lost interest in drinking. A few months into quitting last year, I noticed that I didn’t even think about the fact that I wasn’t ordering a drink in a bar. I may drink again, but its been a fun journey.
A lot of the thrills I used to get from drinking, I can now get very easily being sober.
Which brings me to mayonnaise:
Yes, the polarizing white, creamy substance. Some people love it. Some people hate it.
When talking about the aggressive challenges I was facing, a friend posited:
“Its kind of crazy for them to give you a hard time about not having one drink. Would it be extreme if someone who disliked mayonnaise said they abstain completely? No, of course not. Then why is it crazy to not drink? You just don’t like drinking”
To all the non-drinkers out there — next time someone asks why you can’t just have one, offer them the mayonnaise question:
If you hated mayonnaise, would you have just a little?
Or just ask if they believe in marriage. People seem to like that too.
Note: Some critics have demanded I add a retraction, noting that I now dabble in the occasional drink. Thus, I offer the fact that I am not perfect. I also add that you should not take advice from random strangers on Medium. The sentiment of the piece is still the same, however and I do not regret the experience.
